40 weeks

Nobody told me we were going to get the absolute sweetest girl in the world when this whole thing started! I am such a happy, blessed, and proud papa to our little Veronica.

There's some action happening over at Three Peas, if you haven't checked it out already.

39 and a half weeks

It is happening. I'll let you know after it happened. Until then, enjoy these final pregnancy shots.

39 weeks

It really felt like something was going to happen last weekend, and then, just today, the feeling backed off. I wasn't sure I'd have the opportunity to post a 39-week photo, but now I'm thinking there may be a 40-week one as well. (Don't count on it, however. Labor will probably start as soon as we stop expecting it.)

This photo is more low-key than the previous few. Perhaps it's fitting that it was taken at home since we are "hunkering down" now... finishing our preparations... beginning to wait. Last week at this time, I didn't feel ready for a baby and I was stressing out over it. I'm sure everything would have worked out fine, but I'm glad we had the weekend to wash some baby clothes, make some exchanges at the store, and sort of say good-bye to our non-parenting lives.

There was also a dramatic change in the weather. An unusual stretch of gray days made life in general seem out of the ordinary, like the setting of a story we'd be telling for years to come, a birth story. This afternoon Santa Barbara is back to its usual sunny self and I feel more at ease. But it could change again... I haven't looked at the forecast. I never do out here.

37 weeks

The count up continues. For those of you not well-versed in pregnancy (I sure wasn't eight months ago), a baby's due date falls at 40 weeks, although only around 5% of them actually arrive on that day. Generally, you can give or take about two weeks... which means it wouldn't be that unusual for labor to begin as early as next week. We're hoping to have a little more time before our girl makes her appearance, but you never know.

I'm trying to take a calmer approach to the whole situation. R has informed me that nervousness is not sexy. She needs me to be calm and collected through this. One thing that has been helping is Zen. I've been meaning to dedicate a blog entry to the topic, and I still may, but the short of it is a friend introduced us to the value of meditation last winter and we've been practicing it semi-regularly since. My interest has waxed and waned a bit, but I recently reinstated my daily sitting in the mornings before work. It's a chance for me to be still for a little while and observe my inner-self. I go into it without any expectations, and I find that it relaxes me. There's nothing else quite like it in my day.

In other news, some local friends threw us a baby shower brunch last weekend. (Yes, men were invited too -- deal with it.) They did such an amazing job with the decorations, food, games, etc. You have got to see the invitations that one of the hosts, Leslie, created. (She also gave us some wall art for the baby's nursery that is so awesome I won't feel that bad replacing my David Lynch movie posters with it :-) It feels great to have such sweet, talented friends. Many thanks to our hosts, as well as our other generous friends who attended the party and brought gifts for the baby.

I had my camera at the shower but didn't take it out of the case. I'm upset with myself for passing up the chance to photograph people other than ourselves for once, but I was distracted and some other folks had cameras too, so I let them handle it. If any shots from the event surface, I'll be sure to share them on here.

R and I did have our own little shoot by the Mission afterward. I even brought the tripod along, allowing for a few shots of the two of us, including the one below. Can you tell how excited we are?

35 weeks

Hey everybody. Just checking in with an updated belly photo and status. It would be an understatement to say my entries have been infrequent and focused on the pregnancy lately. This blog has always been indicative of what's been going on in my life, so it's clear to see where my mind has been and how all-consuming the transition to fatherhood is. To put this further into perspective, here's the stack of books we have been reading...

We are in the final stretch now. Sleep is already starting to get away from us -- away from R because she has somebody kicking her from the inside and away from me because of nerves. The remaining items on our to-do list are elusive and have a way of falling victim to a relentless clock. When I do find myself with time available to work on them, I feel frozen, unsure of how to proceed. Perhaps I'm stalling and not quite willing to accept that the big day is almost here. At the same time, I'm so excited to finally meet our daughter that I can hardly contain it. I'm sure it's relatively normal to be nervous and hesitant while on the cusp of a change like this, so don't worry about me.

I feel guilty for whining because I have it easy compared to R. She definitely has more responsibility in growing this child and more discomfort too. Her body is handling the pregnancy quite well, but it's not without difficulty. Things will get even harder before they are done... before this all culminates into what will probably be the biggest physical challenge of R's life (and also, hopefully, one of the most rewarding). Then there's the little detail about caring for a child after all of that; Giving birth is, obviously, just the beginning of the adventure.

This week's belly shot was taken aboard the Condor Express during a cruise around the harbor at sunset. The photo of the derelict boat below was taken during the same occasion. I've been playing around with it in Photoshop, tweaking the colors and exposure to add some interest. I'm sort of loving the beauty behind the murkiness of it right now.

Our little music enthusiast

Here's a list of concerts our baby has attended while in the womb:

• Beach House, 4/16/2010, SOhO


• Atoms For Peace (Thom Yorke's side project), 4/17/2010, Santa Barbara Bowl


• The Avett Brothers, 4/28/2010, Arlington Theater


• ThreadSpinner (w/ Dawes), 5/12/2010, SOhO


• Jónsi (front man of Sigur Rós), 6/7/2010, La Bataclan (Paris)


• ThreadSpinner, 6/25/2010, Velvet Jones


• ThreadSpinner (w/ Au Revoir Simone), 7/10/2010, Velvet Jones


• Toad the Wet Sprocket (w/ Jeff Bridges), 7/16/2010, Lobero Theatre


• Crooked Still, 8/21/2010, Lobero Theatre

Last weekend I attended a quite awesome Smashing Pumpkins show, but you will be relieved to hear that I did not bring the family along. I was (accurately) anticipating some high volume levels and wasn't sure what is acceptable for a developing baby's ears, so I went with a high school friend who drove up from LA instead. (Quick digression: That was an all-around weird, nostalgic 90s weekend topped off by a sighting of Jennie Garth from 90210 in a coffee shop that probably deserves a blog entry unto itself, but I'm not going to do it).

The Pumpkins do actually have some great lullabies in their catalog (see the last four or five songs on Mellon Collie or the Adore acoustic demos or some b-sides like "Medellia of the Gray Skies"). I look forward to introducing our baby to my favorite bands through their softer works. A family friend also got us this collection as a shower gift. There are definitely worse songs for a baby to fall asleep to. I bet I could even sing along to these!

Eventually our baby will grow up and think our tastes are lame, but I'm going to exert some influence over her while I can :-). I know R would like to bring her to the Winnipeg Folk Festival as many years as possible since that was kind of a tradition in her family and we always appreciate the music up there. R has also stopped listening to the news during her commute to work and replaced it with some good music, usually involving strong female singers. Maybe it's all just underwater noise to her at this point, but I like to think our little girl is enjoying the entertainment while riding to work with her mom.

32 weeks

I have never felt
anticipation building
as strongly as now.

I am witnessing,
through a thin wall of belly,
our baby growing.

Already I feel
I belong to a new pack,
one I will defend.

No expectations
but to expect to love her,
whoever she is.

30 weeks

Dang, she looks good, doesn't she? You might even say she's glowing...

In this impromptu photo shoot, R is modeling a new maternity top her mom sent. There are a few additional outtakes at the bottom of this gallery if you want to see more.

R is in Wilmington for work from Tuesday through Saturday of this week, leaving me here to grill a bunch red meat, post some blog entries, and stay up way too late listening to loud music and watching DVDs I've been meaning to get to for years. Well, that's the hope anyway. I actually have a lot I need to get done around here in her absence. Our spare room is still a mess. Part of living near downtown means sacrificing space. Having a child, means sacrificing some more. My goal is to further clear out the closet and then de-clutter every horizontal space in this room before R returns. It's a lofty ambition. Good thing this appears to be true.

R's trip comes on the heals of my own business trip, which covered five nights last week plus a surprise one due to a missed connection on the way home. All of this travel is messing with our now-kicking-in nesting instincts. Fortunately, we had a sun-kissed weekend together here in Santa Barbara to split up the two weeks apart. Yeah, I enjoy my time with the place to myself, but my time alone with R is starting to feel precious and scarce. Our baby is three-quarters of the way here. And I love that.

26 weeks

Here's an up-to-date photo of R and her baby bump. Now we are getting somewhere! The reality of the situation is starting to sink in. We have enrolled in a seven-session child birth/care class beginning in August and still have some more baby-related items to acquire before the big day comes near the end of October. The problem is we're so bad at making decisions. We don't know what crib/diapers/rocking chair we want... We don't know how we want to organize the nursery/office/spare bedroom... At least clothes shouldn't be a problem. I get the impression R really likes shopping for little outfits for our baby. You have got to see the pear-print dress! I'll show you when we have somebody around here to model it.

We're having a girl!

Here's the first of what will likely be very many photos of our daughter. We have some 3D images as well, but I'm not sure I'm ready to share those with the world yet. I kind of like the classic ultrasound look of this one. I have it on my bulletin board above my desk, and I'm enjoying thinking about who this new person might be and what her life will hold.

We're trying to keep the ultrasounds to a minimum, so this was our first of R's pregnancy at 21 weeks in. It was such a relief to hear from the doctor that our baby appeared perfectly healthy. We saw her in heart in action, measured her brain, witnessed her flexing legs... At one point she even reached up and rubbed her eye with her hand. There's a real, live human being in there!

We watched the whole ultrasound, but there was one thing the doctor noticed that we did not: the baby's sex. He wrote it down for us and sealed it up. This all happened first thing in the morning, so it was a long day of wondering what was in that envelope. Our day finally settled down around 8pm. R wanted me to look first and let her know, so that's how it went down. It was an absolutely magical moment.

An exclusive first look at...

... my pregnant wife! There have been some requests to see how things are progressing, so here you go. She's definitely showing, whether she wants to admit it or not. We have another photo where she's purposely sticking her stomach out as far as she can, and let's just say I don't have permission to post that one. It's a preview of what is to come.

Changes are underway. Maternity clothes shopping has begun. Time speeds on.

The biggest news

I would like to announce, with so much joy and excitement, that my lovely wife and I are expecting our first child in October! Yes, I really typed that. The last few months have already been an emotional thrill ride, and it looks like there will be much of that to come.

R is doing well. She had what seemed to be a pretty typical case of morning sickness, but is feeling better, if still more tired than usual, these days. We've been trying to eat better and get enough exercise. We're both reading books about pregnancy and how to care for a child. It all sounds rather intimidating at this point, but we're going to take it one step at a time. I'm very anxious to meet this new person, but I desperately need this time to prepare and also want to make the most of life without the weight of fatherhood while I can, so I'm not exactly wishing these nine months away. The stork will arrive soon enough.

We learned the news ourselves on Valentine's Day morning while we were in Sonoma County. No, it wasn't the best timing for a weekend getaway in wine country. R had to skip the tasting part of our weekend, and I... had to cut back a bit :-). It also explains the conspicuous absence of a wine glass in the photo in this entry about the weekend. You may have also noticed my write-up was rather spare on details. I feel like the secret we've been carrying (pun somewhat intended) has put a bit of a wall between me and you, so it feels good to finally make the information public. This opens up so much more to tweet about too :-)

Among other decisions, I have to make one about the future of Midnight Toast (the blog), regarding how much detail to include about the pregnancy and our child's life. Safety and privacy are suddenly a higher priority. Maybe I'll start a limited-access family blog and reserve this one for my creative projects. Maybe not. One way or another I'll be taking a ton of photos and video, and some of them will be available in one place or another. I've already started recording a series of video interviews with R about her pregnancy and will continue with those about once a month until this baby is born. Something like that probably won't make in online, but I have a feeling our little family will enjoy watching them in the future.

Being a dad will be a huge adjustment and full of challenges, but I'm looking forward to it. Life has a way of telling you when it's time for the next phase. And following those signs has worked out pretty well for me so far, so I don't see any reason to stop. R and I are happy... scared, too, but mostly just happy.